Saturday, May 31, 2014

Partial Compilation of the Wisdom of Max

As originally posted to Facebook (most recent first) over the past year and a half with slight edits for clarity, I give you

The Wisdom of Max

Me: "Max, put on your jammies."
Max: "I don't want to wear jammies."
Me: "Look, I'm wearing jammies."
Max: "No you're not! Jammies have airplanes and stuff on them. You're just wearing regular clothes!"

Max: "Do you know why they call them black widows [pronounced 'weiddos']? Because they are so weird looking."

Max: "It's really easy to kill zombies. You just get a sword and hit them a bunch. It's pretty fun." Who says Minecraft doesn't teach you anything.

Max: "Birthday parties are gooder than everyphrang because ... Getting older ... sigh..."

Max: "Old people are lucky. They can't go to jail. Guess why. Because they forget so much."

[from April] "It's chalk and water. When I asked him what he was doing he said, 'MOM, I'm sciencing.' Well, I guess I can't argue with science."

Max referring to a friend at preschool: "Heston's not really a bully. He's just kinda the boss."

I'll be vague to protect the innocent, but Max's quote was good: "Mom, tell your friend next time to NOT put nuts in the chocolate chip cookies."

In this photo we see Max explaining that "the inside of a bean has seeds that are like bullets. If you break it open and put them in a straw, you can fire them like bullets." Thank you, Papa, for that helpful bit of knowledge.

Max thinks this bird poop on the car window is cool because it looks like a rocket ship.

Max is at a friends birthday party. A few of his observations:
     "I can never trust a hot dog."
     "My real name is Max, but in your gang my name is Zane."

He's been working in this all morning running around fretting, "I don't know if this will work..."
It is an "Opathenator". He told me what it does, but it is too complex for me to summarize in a Facebook post. (notice the use of a laser)

(At Victoria's The Pasta Shop) Max said, "Bring me all the lemons."

Max wants everyone to know he had three dreams last night (2 bad and 1 good): 
  1. We as a family were going on a train ride and he fell in the river. 
  2. He was being chased by dragons and one ate him. 
  3. A jet landed right by our garage (this was the good one. He said I would like it and maybe I'll have it sometime). 
     He then said, "Dreams are like listening to music with headphones only without headphones."

Max: "If you put honey all over [which he pronounces as 'O-er'] your yard, you'd have ants EVERYWHERE!"

Max: "I AM happy. I'm just not acting happy."

Max: "Guess what whiskers are for."
Me: "What?"
Max: "To shave."
Walked right into that one. But he continue, "They actually are just to give you something fun to shave."

Max: "If you tell somebody you went potty, but you didn't, and you don't tell them the truth, it's a lie. . . . 
I thought of that all by myself. That's what I do. I think of interesting things."

Laying down with Max while was going to sleep and me thinking from the long silence that he was, he raised up to say, "If I had some hot macaroni and there were ants nearby, I'd put it on the ants so they would die. Ice would work too."

Today Max and Elise went to the Myriad Botanical Gardens. Max said, "Mom, I have to ask you something. Can I pick these flowers? Can I take these flowers home?"
April replied, "No, you cannot."
Max said, "Okay, I just had to ask."

So Max was drawing with Eva today. He drew this guy in the middle and said, "that's a vampire." 
Eva asked, "How do you know what a vampire is?" He answered, "A vampire is just a naked zombie." And .... now I will have nightmares.

Max: "I wish I was three! Everything was easy when I was three. But in a while I'll be five, and that will be so cool!"

[from Nana]: While keeping Eva, Max and Elise this weekend, I gave Max and Elise both orange popsicles. Max quickly ate half of his then set it in his plate. Elise laid hers which was barely touched down immediately and grabbed his.
Max: "Hey! That's mine!"
Me: "That's okay just take hers she had barely touched it."
Max: "It might have germs, she licked it."
Me: "But Max she's your sister you don't care if you eat after your sister do you?"
Max: "No, not now that she is in our family."
Me: "Well she has always been in your family, she has the same Mommy and Daddy as you, remember when she was born?"
Max: "Yes, but when we first got her we didn't eat after her or anything for a while until we finally let her be in our family."
Guess it is one of those exclusive families that only accepts the best...

Max: "Papa, sometimes people think things that aren't true, but they don't know."

More from Max: "Some times things are funny, [shakes his head] but people don't laugh."
"You know bad words? You can learn good things from bad words."

Max: "Daddy, does it frustrate you that the house is taller than you."
Me: "no, not really."
Max: "But it's frustrating when things are taller than you."
Later . . .
Max: "My favorite thing to do today is to watch Eva while she plays. That bothers her. I like distracting her."

As I was grinding coffee this morning, Max said, "If you run out of concrete you can use coffee but it is really hard to do. REALLY HARD! You have to add boiling water and wait a long time."

Max: "David Graybill [his 6'4" cousin] couldn't take a bath. He is too tall. Do you know why David grew so tall? Let me tell you. Some people grow wide [he stands with his legs apart and arms lifted out to demonstrate]. But David grew long [he stands tightly together very straight like a pencil]. It happens at night. You don't notice because it is at night. But it happens."

Max: "If Superman was a real person, he'd be made of steel. But his cape wouldn't. His cape would be made of red cape stuff."

April: "I'm sending you kids to boarding school for the summer. I can't take the fighting."
Max: "I don't want to go to boring school. I don't want to ever go to boring school. I like my house."

[at Pi on the Plaza District] Max walked up to this sign and said, "What is my imagination saying?"

Elise is watching Sesame Street. Max can't figure out for the life of him what this is.

Max: "Dreams are important. They are good for you--even bad dreams."

Playing with Eva, Max said, "Remember what we did a long, long, long time ago, before today ..?" The rest isn't important. The specification that three long times ago is "before today" was the interesting part.

[from Nana]: Last night we gave our grandson Max (age 4 1/2 yrs.) a lava rock we found in the desert on our trip to Yuma. I said, "We picked up this lava rock for you in the desert. It is from a real volcano." His eyes got a look of excitement and alarm and he took it from me the way a person would take the surprise gift of a million dollars. "Wow" he said, "WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?" I told him we found it in the desert. He continued, "I mean, HOW DID YOU PICK IT UP? IT HAD TO BE BURNING HOT!"

Max today: "Robots were invented in the olden days to help people catch rabbits and chickens." I think he's watching too much Looney Tunes.

Max is focused in school work and focused in his Martial Arts.

Max from the shower: "Elise doesn't have boy parts! Where are her boy parts! She is like a cow. Milk comes out of there." How is he just noticing this?

Max explaining: "... And then a BIG giant ball of fire came down and there was fire everywhere and it killed all the dinosaurs. Then the scientists buried them, and then there were people who grew up, but first the scientists so they could bury the dinosaurs..." He drifted off as his non-sequitur became apparent.

Seems like he'd make a good pet owner.

So what do you do when you're playing hide-n-go seek, you are winning (not able to be found), and you have to go to the bathroom? Champions, like Max, apparently stay in place and pee their pants. ‪#‎commitment‬‪ #‎WhatChampionsDo‬

Eva has two friends over for a sleepover.
Me: "Max, let's get out of Eva's room and let the girls play."
Max: "No way! I wanna party with them!"

Max: "We talk about vinegar at school. You can drink it but it seems really bad but it is good for your bones."

Max relaxing in his new blanket-fort-house. There is a 20-foot "secret entrance" that runs behind the kitchen and around the side. It's really cool.

Max is showing Elise Minecraft. He is sad because in the zoo he built the piranha has jumped out of its pond and is going to die.

In another conversation, Me: "You need to get to sleep. It's a school night." Max's sharp reply: "I don't go to school at night!"

Max: "Your pants would be really stinky if you had cheese in them for a really long time." I am now checking all his clothing.

[from Nana]: Babysitting Max age 4 1/2 yesterday he told the dolls, "daddy has to go to work to buy food for your or else you will starve to death and Daddy will go to jail." then he looks up for a second and considers that thought, "well maybe I wont go to jail, then he continues, yes Daddy would go to jail."

April is taking Eva to the OKC Philharmonic tonight to see Sarah Chang play violin. I was telling her that a lot of people will be dressed very fancy tonight. Max said, "I don't like fancy." "What do you like?" I asked. "Cool," he replied.

At the end of her workout yesterday, April was out of breath and Max said, "Mom! When you are out of breath you have to go outside and eat some air or you might pass out!"

Max: "Flowers make nectar in their tummies like we make poop. And bees making honey. Lots of animals make things for us..." It went on from there for some time. Chickens are his favorite animal.

Max says: "You don't want the hedgehog to see his shadow - then there will be 1000 more days until fall comes."

So, Max pulled one of my books off the shelf and asked what it was about. It was Brian Greene's "The Elegant Universe", and it was opened to a diagram about relativity. He is now running through the house attempting to go fast enough to time travel. He didn't understand when I told him that if he does, I won't be able to tell.

Now this is a bubble bath.

Max: "Today at school I saw where you get Bible'd."
Me: "What?"
Max: "Bible'd!" [this actually went back and forth several times with him getting VERY insistent]
Me: "What do you mean?"
Max: "You know, with the big bathtub."
Me: "Oh, baptized."
Max: "Xactly! Daddy, have you ever been Bible'd?"
I didn't know how to answer.

Eva is at a birthday party next door that is "girls only". There is an age factor too, but that isn't something he could understand. Max: "Mom, for my birthday send a note to every girl in the whole wide world, 'No girls allowed!'"

Max: "Don't forget to set up the Montana Fire tonight in my room."
April: "What do you mean?"
Max: "You know, the thing that blows air in my face."
April: "Oh - the humidifier."

Max: "When we left on our trips, I worry about my toys and our house. What if somebody broke in and put a bomb in it. That would be crazy! I'd punch the bad guys in the tummy."

Max at Whole Foods whispering to April: "Mom, mom. I want to say that lady looks freaky, but that would hurt her feelings."

Max (in a Darth Vader voice): "Luke, I am your father . . . Son, and Holy Spirit." He might be confused.

Just after closing the door as the last of the cousins left from Christmas; Max: "Daddy, sometimes when I'm telling people goodbye, it makes me really sad."

Max: "Why did Nana make her Thanksgiving chicken on Christmas?"

He's loving his new swing set. Don't tell him it's too cold!

Max: "Did you know that you can see pictures of things in your brain? I'm looking at cool pictures right now. Can you see them?"

One of Max's rules seems to be to always stay in character.

One of his last thoughts before finally going to sleep brought Max rising straight up to ask, "What is faster a duck or a monster?" I knew immediately there is no correct answer I could give to this question as judged by him. Fortunately, he let me know, "I think a duck is faster running and flying."

Max is glad to be done practicing his Christmas program at preschool, "It was very disruptive to the day."

Max: "How did God create everything? Does he have a magic wand?"

"In Heaven can you fly? How? Do you say, 'I want to fly?' and you grow wings?" (With a concerned look.) "But I don't want to grow wings. I might just be saying, 'I want to fly'."

Max: "Elevators are pretty good places to pick your nose, but you shouldn't do it."

Upon learning what crab cakes really were Max said, "Crab cakes should be cupcakes shaped like little crabbies."

Max right now is jumping on the couch saying, "I love this night! It is like a birthday party!" Eva, watching MNF observed, "I just don't get some beer commercials. I like the one where he goes to the top of the mountain and pulls the beer out. I get that one."

Max: "Sometimes coaches look goofy."

Max: "Santa can't jump very high; he's a big dude."

Max is on a roll: "A giraffe could eat you." Me: "Well, no. Giraffes don't eat people." Max: "But if you had a leaf suit on they might."
Later: "Sometimes Santa comes into your house and looks around and if you have a bunch of toys he might only give you some and if you had a whole lot he'd leave you none."

Several from Max:
"Cows have to get the milk out of their skin or they will die."
"It is hard to pick your nose if it is sore but sometimes you have a big booger and if it is really big you need to wash your hands like ten times."
"If you didn't have a mouth you couldn't ask for candy if you were a little kid. That would be sad. "

Max: "Sometimes when you need to go pee-pee really bad someone talks to you and distracts you and you go pee-pee a little in your pants."

Max: "Papa, your neck looks like a turkey's."

Max: "It was easy for God to make aliens because they're so close to Heaven."

One of the byproducts of attending OU games is Max insisting we spend Sunday morning re-enacting the entire pregame in the backyard. I "get" to be the fans who have to stand up and clap and cheer at all the appropriate times. He is the players warming up, the announcer, the band, and the players running out of the locker room. The neighbors must love us.

[at the OU football game] Max: "What's a 'Hunnicutt'?" Me: "It means 'settling' and 'disappointment'."

At bath time.
Me: "I have to get your hair wet to wash your hair, Max."
Max: "NO! 'No' means no, daddy!"

Max: "Jesus has very good hearing."

Max's dream:
"A dinosaur was after me and 'Ah-Weece'. We hid under the table. He didn't kill us, but he zapped Mama."

Things I've learned this morning: Max, "In the world of donuts there are yeast donuts and cake donuts."

Max says, "Daddy doesn't wear a shirt when he mows - so neither am I"

Max gets Trick or Treat

Max was seriously concerned about his Sooners yesterday.

Wisdom from Max:
"A long time ago ghosts got into dinosaurs and thats why you don't see them any more."
"The beetles are the leaders of the bugs." Me: "Why?" Max: "Just because."

Max: "I'm a Wichita man. I'm from Wichita."
Homophone innocence.

"It's a glass of water." 100% his own idea and execution.

Max: "When you get old [elderly], you have to hear everything twice."

Max, "When I grow up, I want to be just like you, Daddy. Then I'll be able to go in the attic by myself." Apparently that is the measure of adulthood. He followed it with, "But I don't want to go into the attic." Quite the dilemma.

Max, "A magazine is a book you read when you go to the dentist."

[from Aunt Susie] A conversation between me and my 4yr old nephew:
Me: Max, I really like you
Max: I like me, too

Max reacts to eating a chocolate mouse

Max explained to me, "People call it a washcloth, but it's just a little towel."

April: "Max, please stop playing in the bathroom." Max, combing his hair: "I'm not playing, I'm being handsome."

April, "Max, is there anything you want from the store?"
Max, "Hmmm... Do they have gummies that look like bears?"
April, "When have you had Gummy Bears?"
With a confused look, Max, "Gummy Bears???"

Max just told me that Elmo was nice, but the dirty man was mean. I think he meant Oscar the Grouch.

Max's joke:
Max, "Mom, today at school I had a hand sandwich."
April, "No, you had a ham sandwich."
Max, "No, a hand sandwich. I ate it with my hand!"
"...I'm just kidding. It was peanut butter and jelly."

Max as the Flash (Flash wore an apron, right?)

Max was almost asleep when his eyes shot open with fear and regret as he worried, "I don't want Jesus to retire." Relax, he is not a prophet. Our priest, Father Boyer of St. Mark the Evangelist, is retiring tomorrow. Max is vague on what a priest is and completely unfamiliar with the concept of retirement.

Max plays Air Hockey

Mothers get accused of many things being their fault. This was a new one on April. Max: "Mommy! You broke my ideas."

Max says: "If God were not in the sky but was on the floor that would be cute because God is cool."

Not sure what this means. Max, "Let's pretend we don't have super powers."

Max to Elise: "I'm gonna squeeze the cutsy out of you." He said it in a sweet way, but it was still a little concerning.

Max's word of the day is 'sanitize': "Carrots are dirty. They have to be washed and sanitized."

Remember when finding a stick could make you happy?

Max sings Taylor Swift

Advice from Max: "It would be really hard to put lava in a water balloon, so don't even try it."

[at Easter] Max found an egg with money in it and said, "I'm gonna get all this money, then I can go to college, then I'll be rich forever!"

From the Wisdom of Max: Did you know that cheese makes you stop dying? Farmers put medicine in cheese.

Me from behind a closed door: "It's me, Baby Elise."
Max: "No it's not."
Me: "Oh yeah, it is."
Max: "You don't sound like Elise."
Me: "I changed my voice, I'm Elise."
Max: "If you Elise, pee your pants."
Checkmate Max.

April to me: "We need to start watching on Netflix 'Breaking Bad'."
Max with a distraught look on his face: "Oh no, can we fix it!?"

What I heard from the other room:
Max: "Eat this."
Max: "It's yucky.... Don't eat it."
I did not investigate. Some things are better left unknown.
From April: The first thing that Max said to me this morning was "I went to the grocery store by myself and I had cheese". I asked him if it was a dream. He said "yes and papa was there and there was a shark".

April: "This is the coolest morning ever - we saw a fire truck testing its ladder and we saw a hot air balloon."
Max: "And we saw beautiful trees and a beautiful baby and a beautiful you."

Some of Max's more interesting questions of the day (he has many everyday):
"How do things not break?"
"How is your head attached to your shoulders?"
"How long cents does a kite cost?" (Pretty sure he meant how 'many' cents).

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